Having a pretty strange week around here, trying to work through lots of frustration and widely swinging emotions coming from all different areas of life. I guess that is life though, right? It's not simple, it's not easy, it can be so wonderful and so awful and so neither all at the same time.
I've been worried about losing my job for a couple weeks now. They recently announced impending layoffs in every department and of course I immediately thought I could be one of them. No doubt.
Like everyone in this sort of situation I just kept thinking of all the things that would change - this job literally keeps us barely afloat through this time in our lives and we'd have to make some pretty drastic changes if I did get layed off. And I think I was ready to do that. I was ready to hear that I'd lost my job.
But I didn't. I still have a job. 14 other people in my office don't anymore, and I do. And if I can be honest... I feel guilty. I feel really guilty that I get to keep my job and these other wonderful, hard working people don't. It feels awful.
I'm thankful of course - beyond thankful - but how can I possibly reconcile those two feelings? It's even worse than feeling just plain guilty or sad.
I'm sorry to bust out such a bummer of a blog, but it's been so fresh and present in my mind I had to get it out there. I've never gone through anything like this before. And it sucks. It really sucks.
And this is just one thing, one piece of life right now. There's so much more that's been buzzing around in my brain and my heart - good and bad and neither. It's a big puzzle that feels like it's missing pieces, and keeps changing when I turn my back. For now suffice it to say I'm thankful, and sad, and potentially optimistic.
Happy Friday, everyone - peace and love and hugs and smiles to you this weekend.
1 comment:
I'm thankful you still have your job and thankful that you're such a good person that you feel somewhat guilty about it!
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